Learning to not overfill a canvas is like trying to declutter my mind; sometimes it just cannot be done. Thoughts and anxieties creep in almost as the 'just one more brush stroke' on the canvas and boom! Its three in the morning, you have achieved a mild headache and you need to pee. There is a moment, right before painting feels 'finished', when it doesn't feel finished anymore; it fills you with dread looking at the unintended brush marks and regrettable forms. This is the moment that you know, you should have stopped (and the 'why did I do that?' thoughts of frustration). Leaving a canvas to just 'be' and letting the space speak for itself is somewhat difficult for the trained arty.
Being a student on and off until the age of nearly 30 (yes - that is right) takes a toll on your ability to navigate the 'unmarked' art world. I have always enjoyed the pressures of deadlines, the ultimate stress and constant need to analyze and reflect upon my practice sometimes has left me unable to appreciate the plain, the untouched and the simplicity of some of my art. I always want to question its relevance and discard pieces because 'they don't look like my style' or 'they are not innovative enough' throughout my years of making and creating works. I have realized, and reassured myself more and more that my work IS enough and it will always be enough. It may not gain me a first, or give me that 'exhibition buzz' when someone looks at it, pauses and 'gets it' - but as long as it fills the ever empty creative hole I am forever searching for, then my heart is content.
I hated painting this - I spent a lot of time swirling the paint around the canvas, making marks with different brushed and using scraping tools whilst reluctantly working a large space with one colour or very minimal paint. I used a very minimal tonal palette. Its only when considering the importance of this that I understand its place in my 'art throughout my life'. This piece is amount the uncomfortable, facing a new chapter of 'the unmarked artist' and navigating my own journey; I just hope its as peaceful as this painting.
'Experimenting with space', acrylic on canvas. January 2021. 50cmx 50cm.
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